Horseshoes

Do you ever get blind-sided by social media? You're scrolling along thinking about how you should be heading to bed and BAM!- a picture pops into your feed and suddenly you're overcome by (insert strong emotion of the moment).

That's me tonight. I did not see this one coming, and as such I had no way to anticipate the reactivity of my emotions. So here I am. Bawling.

I don't know about you, but social struggles have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Friendships have never come easily, and many have not stood the test of time. I readily own my part in each of those endings, it does take two to tango after all. I have always been imperfect and that's not gonna change. Maturity has helped me see the natural ebb and flow of relationships. Though it never stops feeling weird, I've grown accustomed to how friendships change with new seasons of life, and some fade away. Some we leave because they're not healthy. The endings are all hard for me.

Growing up, all I wanted was to fit in. I never did. Other kids could sense my fear, I was desperate to be part of the crowd. I never was. I walked around for 41 years wanting to be seen and known and loved for who I am, but not able to give that to myself, much less experience it from others. As a kid, and teen, and twenty and thirty something, I always felt like too much. I am extra to be sure. By design, I feel things in deep and intense ways lots of people don't. It's what makes me who I am, and it's the place from which my gifts were born. Feelings are my superpower. But being a sensitive feeler didn't do me any favors in the social arena. I cried a lot as a kid. I was teased mercilessly, an easy target.

When you abandon yourself your whole life, it's impossible to not feel abandoned by others. These are knots I'm still unraveling. Healing doesn't happen overnight, at least not healing of our most deep and painful wounds, or our trauma. I don't know a single woman in my life who wasn't hurt by a mean girl growing up. My life before age 18 was ruled and shattered by them. Though the thought of it pains me, I am pretty sure I was someone's mean girl somewhere along the way. Do the math. You probably were, too.

Tonight as I scrolled a picture came into my feed. A big group of old girl friends gathered for dinner. I wasn't included. And I had just spoken with one of them this morning. BAM. Without a moment's hesitation my eyes flood with tears. My inner seventh grader awake, afraid, abandoned, alone. At the same time, my present 45 year old sits and stares at the screen through tears. And here's the part that will go with me to the therapy couch next session: My first thought... What's wrong with me? What did I do to deserve being left out?

NO. NOPE. NO.

My mind knows that's not the healthy response nor the truth. My feelings need time to catch up. The inner seventh grader is strong in me, and she is so scarred and so scared. We are working together to heal her and bring her up to speed with my ENOUGHNESS.

Brené Brown in her must-watch Netflix special says this which made my brain explode when I first heard it:
"We're hardwired for belonging. It's in our DNA. But let me tell you what belonging is... The opposite of belonging, from the research, is fitting in. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating: Here's what I should say, be. Here's what I shouldn't talk about. Here's what I should dress like, look like- that's fitting in. Belonging is belonging to yourself first: Speaking your truth, telling your story, and never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. And that's vulnerable."

Wowzer.

It's okay if you need to go back and read that again. I did, too.

I don't know about you but I am on a path towards true belonging. I was never meant to fit in. So in retrospect I guess it's good that I never have. In the meantime, damn, the road from here to there is painful to walk sometimes. This has been a truly fulfilling season in my life of creativity and cultivating my dream of this new record. But it's also been a really lonely time. It's probably easy to look at someone like me and think, wow, she's really got it going for her. Her life looks real shiny and put together. In reality, nah. I'm the 45 year old crying big salty tears at home on a Saturday night because social media informed me I got left out. We all have our pain. We all long to be seen, to be known, to be valued, to be chosen. Truth is that's what we deserve, and it starts with how we offer that to ourselves.

Finally, if you are a circle of friends, I hope you'll follow Glennon Doyle's advice: "If you are standing with other women in a circle and there is a woman standing alone in your circle's vicinity- the thing to do is notice her, smile at her, move over a bit and say, "Hi, come join us!" Even if she decides not to join your circle- even if she looks at you like you're crazy- inviting her is STILL THE THING TO DO. This advice is meant for both literal and figurative circles. WIDEN YOUR CIRCLE. ALL THE TIMES. Also: Horseshoes are better than circles. Leave space. Always leave space. Horseshoes of friends > than circles of friends. Life can be lonely. Stand in horseshoes."

K.C. Clifford is a vocalist, performing speaker, essayist, and award-winning singer-songwriter who has been making records for twenty years. K.C. and her husband and two children call Oklahoma City home. She founded The Generous Kind community after the overwhelming online response to her #TruthBooking essays and observations on her honest and unfiltered life experiences. Follow her music on Spotify.