Posts in Feelings
Santosha, And The Discomfort In Not Knowing

For most of my adult life I’ve self-identified as a butt-kicker. I launched a writing career in my early 20s, while raising a houseful of small children; published several books by the time I was 30, and have re-invented myself through hard times and career shifts more times than I can count. I’ve never met a problem I can’t hustle my way out of.

At least, that’s what I’ve always told myself.

Maybe that’s partly why, after a rough holiday that included your typical divorced-parent stressors and regrets, plus the unexpected addition of a sudden and painful breakup, I dove headlong into a New Year’s challenge at my yoga studio. The challenge? To take 60 studio classes, in two months (59 days, since February is a short month, but who’s counting?).

In my typically action-oriented way, I reasoned that keeping busy would help me: create a distraction, give me something else to focus on rather than playing and re-playing scenarios in my head.

And it has helped – immensely, actually, but not always for the reasons I anticipated at the beginning.

On the first day of the challenge, my instructor talked about santosha which was the studio’s focus for the month of January. Santosha is a Sanskrit word that can be loosely translated to mean “contentment”.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty happy person, so I wasn’t sure what lessons I’d be able to glean from this particular focus. But. “It’s not about being happy – that’s a different thing,” my instructor explained that first day of January. “Santosha means finding contentment with what is happening right now, even if it’s hard or negative.”

Wait. Being content with what is? Like, right now? You mean, instead of trying to fix it?

But what if “what is”, you know, sucks?

Read More
Bodies, Mindfulness, Family, Anxiety, FeelingsK.C. CliffordMeagan Francis
You Are Made For Connection

You are made for connection. You are deserving of kindness. That thing in your life that’s unnerving you right now? The situation that’s bringing out the worst in you? The relationship that’s gone sideways and feels awkward now? Take some time to sit with it. Acknowledge it. Be curious about it. To look deeply at our feelings and reactions does not have to mean they will overtake us. This was the lesson of a lifetime for me. I thought if I ever stopped and truly experienced my feelings at their deepest, darkest places, if I let the floodgates open the pain would wash me away and I’d never recover. Sometimes it feels that way though, doesn’t it? But here’s the thing: It’s not true. I’ve gone there and lived to tell about it. Heck, I’d go so far as to say I wasn’t living before I learned how to feel my feelings. I certainly wasn’t thriving, and I didn’t know joy.

Read More
Feelings, Radical Kindness, Trauma, FearK.C. CliffordK.C. Clifford
Horseshoes

Do you ever get blind-sided by social media? You're scrolling along thinking about how you should be heading to bed and BAM!- a picture pops into your feed and suddenly you're overcome by (insert strong emotion of the moment).

That's me tonight. I did not see this one coming, and as such I had no way to anticipate the reactivity of my emotions. So here I am. Bawling.

I don't know about you, but social struggles have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Friendships have never come easily, and many have not stood the test of time. I readily own my part in each of those endings, it does take two to tango after all. I have always been imperfect and that's not gonna change. Maturity has helped me see the natural ebb and flow of relationships. Though it never stops feeling weird, I've grown accustomed to how friendships change with new seasons of life, and some fade away. Some we leave because they're not healthy. The endings are all hard for me.

Growing up, all I wanted was to fit in. I never did. Other kids could sense my fear, I was desperate to be part of the crowd. I never was. I walked around for 41 years wanting to be seen and known and loved for who I am, but not able to give that to myself, much less experience it from others. As a kid, and teen, and twenty and thirty something, I always felt like too much. I am extra to be sure. By design, I feel things in deep and intense ways lots of people don't. It's what makes me who I am, and it's the place from which my gifts were born. Feelings are my superpower. But being a sensitive feeler didn't do me any favors in the social arena. I cried a lot as a kid. I was teased mercilessly, an easy target.

Read More
Feelings, Friendship, Radical KindnessK.C. CliffordK.C. Clifford
When You Don’t Know What To Do, Try Connecting

After many years of hiatus, I recently began going to church again.

I hadn’t lost my faith, exactly. In retrospect, I had just gotten tired. Sunday-morning services, once meaningful to me, started feeling like a chore; the messages, often conflicting from church to church, became more confusing than clarifying. I didn’t know what to believe, so it seemed easier to simply believe nothing, or at least, not to think about it very hard. And as often happens when people have a spiritual crisis, I simply drifted away.

But in January I decided one Sunday morning to pop into a church that had been recommended by a few friends, and I’ve been going pretty regularly ever since.

It’s kind of a stretch to call this Sunday morning gathering “church” at all, at least in the traditional sense. There are no obvious hierarchies, no written statement of belief, no objects of sacrament. The congregation doesn’t recite creeds or sing hymns – instead, a (fantastic) band comes out every so often and performs a mix of secular and religious songs, after which we clap – a pretty un-churchy thing to do, but a huge relief for someone like me, who always feels just plain weird not applauding someone’s performance.

The services take place in the high school auditorium, with the house darkened so all eyes gravitate toward the stage. The speaker (I don’t think anyone is referred to as a pastor) delivers a fully-executed presentation that incorporates video and other multi-media elements, punctuated only by well-timed breaks for another song, and always with a conclusion that brings it all home so the message lands every time.

The “congregation” doesn’t have to do anything beyond watch and learn. The whole thing is so non-traditional, that the first few times I went I jokingly referred to it as a “Ted Talk For God”.

Read More
Spirituality, Empathy, Radical Kindness, FeelingsK.C. CliffordMeagan Francis